From the banks of the vengeful Ohio River, truth shall be delivered and the storm drenched trunks of my enemies shall be  the word. And woe to the person who has no my name on their lips when they enter the kingdom of heaven, Mike Brown, beer drinker, heck raiser.

Experience:
I'm a monumentally unsuccessful writer, meaning I have a master's degree in creative writing but no actual work published, unless you count embarrassing vanity items in school journals. (One of my short stories had a poem appended to the end by the editor, "If we are what we eat, are we not also what we excrete?"  Message gotten by this writer.)

But I've written five unpublished books that many people in my immediate family think are quite good. Two of them involve women who can turn into dogs.

I read a lot (comic books, Faulkner, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" slash fiction, whatever) and it would be a mistake to say I watch only a little TV ("Desperate Housewives," "Brak," "CSI," that new "Batman" animated show, "House," and, the king of them all, "The Simpsons.")

But as an unmarried, childless bitter loner in my mid-thirties I have an opinion on almost everything. (Who packages this macaroni and cheese? A rectangular box?! Fools! And what can I say about gravel? I would have done it much differently.)

I will also sometimes get five or six haircuts a week just to speak to attractive young women.

Education:
I went to Mt. Lebanon High School in Mt. Lebanon, PA, a rich public school noteworthy for having a planetarium. I was a poor student, but admired by my peers for my ability to seem much smarter than I actually am and to fake my way through any oral report. I went to college at West Virginia Wesleyan on the banks of the sloppy Buckhannon River and did really well, understanding for the first time that a couple thousand dollars to go to a school was a big deal. My last semester there I would've gotten a 4.0 if not for a very, very unfair Folk Dancing Final.

But I hated it there and the day I got away with threatening to kill one of my fellow students in a philosophy class, I decided to transfer to Antioch College in Yellow Springs, Ohio. Not my shrewdest move. Antioch College motto, "No, despite what you've heard, we're not bankrupt. Just close. Really. Classes aren't cancelled for next week... yet." And home of the only college I've ever heard of with two condemned buildings within walking distance of each other.

While there, I visited Notre Dame and spent the whole time saying things like, "Statuary? Botanical gardens? Don't these people know how important it is to prepare students for a life of squalor?"

I graduated with a double major in English and Philosophy, with a minor in poor financial planning and failure. I got a master's degree in English from West Virginia University, and that was actually great.

Now I work at a computer helpdesk, fixing up the computers. But whenever possible, I make obscure literary references and then have contempt for my co-workers not appreciating my genius. GENIUS!

From Mike Brown:
I will try to keep us safe... for the children.